Its days like these where I just want to sit here. In this room. My room. All by myself. No one around. Its days like these that just make me stop and think, “Do I even really matter to the people that surround me? Or am I just another obstacle standing in their way?” Yes, this is what my life has come to. Sitting here alone in a dark room watching the rain fall down the pains of the window that sits across from me. As I look out that window I wonder if there is something better out there for me. Something that is just waiting to be discovered by me. The something that will turn me into something greater. Greater then what I am, who I am. Whatever I am. There are always going to be people in your life who you don’t like or get along with. That’s just how it is. However that just seems to be the pit of my life. Everyone either really likes me or they really hate me. There is no in between. And only God knows I wish there was. Everyone around me thinks I am living some fantasy. Some dream that everything is lollipops and rainbows. Like I don’t know the world. Like I haven’t experienced it. I don’t know, to me that just doesn’t make any sense.
I wish there was some way to just stop it all. Stop the bickering, the belittling, the hatred and just change it. Change it all. Hell, just give me a pause button and I will keep myself in those perfect moments that don’t happen as often as I would like. I feel like my life is just a huge disappointment. It’s as if I am just upsetting or ruining things for everyone else. Am I? Is it so wrong to strive for what I want? To be honest, it’s really only one life I am apparently ruining and at the same time this person is ruining mine. However I am the bigger person so I will not mention names. But honestly can some really expect respect when they themselves don’t deliver it in the first place? Does it really make me a bad person to want to achieve my dreams? At least I am doing my best to make it happen, right? At least I’m not sitting at home all the time doing nothing at all. I am trying to make something of myself. I go to school. I am getting a higher education. So what if it’s at a community college. That doesn’t mean squat. At least I am trying! No one ever said it was going to be easy. Life doesn’t come with a stupid road map. There isn’t a little GPS sitting in front of you telling you what to do, where to go, who to talk to. You learn by trial and error. I don’t need anyone to tell me how to live my life that’s why it’s mine.
